| Kelly's profileEternity in an hour and ...PhotosBlogLists |  Tools  Help |
|
Eternity in an hour and Heaven in a WildflowerForgetting the world when I plug in my music October 26 Somewhere in-between fantasy and reality can be a really good place to live. I am so thankful to have my blog right now.
Because I'm at the verge of screaming.
My creativity is utterly stifled at work.
And it frustrates me so.
It's hard to believe that I am currently 2 months into my job.
Made to many blunders,swallowed loads of bitter pills,wondered if I signed up more than what I bargained for.
I do love certain aspects of my job and of course,some not so.
I just wished I wasn't such a workholic,bringing work home almost everyday.
But I console myself that I am new,and that I need time to familiarise myself with everything,hence needing more time to do things properly.
I'm just hoping I'll get better and more efficient in time to come.
Anyways enough about work.
Time to zip it.
 I was so glad to meet up with my NTU friends lately.
I've been so busy with my previous job headache and preoccupied with the present one that I didn't realise how much I've missed out on my social life.
It was just so good to totally chill out with them...
Made me remember of the fun times we had in the library while studying for uni exams.
Laughed till my stomach hurt.
It's been a rather long time since I ever felt really happy to smile without having something on my mind.
And I'm grateful for my friends for that.
We are always so preoccupied with work and life...that we get swept away in it all.
I guess I gotta learn how to take things as they come.
 It's been a long time coming.
But I've finally found closure today,after 9 years.
I feel a burden lifted off my shoulders.
I no longer feel guilty when I face this person.
For he now knows the truth.
And I have now atoned for everything.
And the weird thing is how God puts things in its place.
Amazing how it led up to this.
I hope now,that I will have the courage to be open.
And to know that this was how it was supposed to turn out to be.
God always answers my prayers...in the weirdest of ways.
 October 11 Energy eludes me. Sometimes I wish I had bursts of energy.
I think I'm running myself ragged with all the 'extra-curricular' activities.
I wonder how I'll survive next year.
I have so many of them lined up.
I guess I gotta learn to say no.
I can't wait for November and December...for things to slow down so that I can take a breather.
Time just passes so fast.
It's hard to imagine that I'm reaching mid-twenties.
I feel somewhat older among my younger friends...
But in my workplace...I'm valued as being young.
I guess it depends on the environment you're in.
I hope I can accomplish a few things next year.
Finally learn driving,bring my parents overseas,take up pilates classes,etc.
I need a retreat to the beach...swim...laze in the sun...something.
Honestly,I can feel my panda eyes.
Haha...But I'm just glad for the fact that I'm getting my pay.
Time to shop!I seriously need more clothes for work.Shoes too.
Argh.
October 03 Music Cravings.Been a long time since I last did a blog entry.
Life's been pretty crazy.
It is the month of October.
I'm kinda facing hell struggling to get answers for my previous job.
It tires me so.
But I won't relent and give up until I'm satisfied.
Work's been pretty challenging.
Loads of expectations and stuff.
I can feel my blood pressure rise sometimes...Heart beats somewhat faster.
But thank goodness for the radio and IM.
Hahaha..2 great inventions which I clearly could not live without.
I totally love these 2 songs.
Puts me at a chirpy mood at work.
'Haven't Met You Yet' by Michael Buble
And Jason Mraz's "Make it Mine"
And "Remedy" by Little Boots.
I so need my music fix. More new songs please! September 17 Thinking about it. I know one thing about myself very well.
I think too much.
I know those who know me well always scold me for thinking too much.
But I guess it is in my nature to be inquisitive and just think,because I am one who delves deeper,not taking things literally.
I can't help but think about life.
The things I never got to do when I was young and schooling.
The things I swore I would do once I graduated and am free from the binds of teenagehood when I became an adult.(ok,maybe not all of them)
1) I never got to go clubbing in Singapore.
Funny though,my first taste of clubbing was in Bangkok at the age of 20.
And boy did I hate it.
I couldn't fathom why anyone would love blaring loud music,smell of sweat and smoke around them,and the sight of people puking and taking advantage of each other.
But I didn't miss it terribly.
I just wish I got to experience the Singapore clubbing scene for once even though I know I would have hated it.
2)I never got to stay out extremely late.
This was one which really kinda made me really sad.
I would have loved to stay out late and hung out with friends.
Attend music gigs or concerts.
But somehow,I just didn't have the right group of friends who shared the same interest as me in terms of music.
3) I never had the chance to experience a sleepover
Haha...this one.Oh well.My mom was DEAD against it.
She was so afraid that my friend's dad couldn't be trusted.Or uncle.Or brother.Or cousin.Haiz.
Why do you think I love camps so much?Liberation.
4) I never was in a relationship
Think about the movie 'Never been kissed' starring Drew Barrymore and Michael Vartan.
Not that I desperately wanted a r/s.I was fine on my own.
But it was just that my teenage years were complicated and that I just was never ready for one.
Honest to truth?Even at my age today,I'm not sure if I'll ever be ready.
Here's the part where you can get ready to scold me.
I've been sort of planning my 'single' life for the future.
Either I would stay with my parents and look after them till they're old.
Or share a condo with other single gal pals.
I would be glad to just continue to work and still be employed..
Attend all my friends' weddings and give them hong bao packets.
Hopefully have some friends to travel with every year.
Bring my parents abroad especially when they are still able to travel.
Be busy with church work and volunteer work.
Help to take care of my little nieces and nephews.
If I have too much money stacked away even though I've travelled,I'll gladly give my money to my nieces and nephews to further their studies.
Sigh.Maybe I do think too much,or maybe I'm just thinking about what could be.
And there's nothing wrong with that.
And suddenly,my heart hurts. September 12 Full Circle. If there ever was a phrase to describe me this moment,it would be 'all over the place'.
I'm glad to finally get my first pay of my second job.
Seems somewhat trivial to some.
But it marks a milestone for me.
For everything that I've been through, this was just like a lollipop to a kid.
Finally, my heart and sanity rest easy, knowing that I don't have to worry about cash flow coming in.
I am definitely relieved.
My job has been rather challenging.
And I'm liking every moment of it.
Call me crazy, but I welcome the challenge.
I am definitely stretched to my potential and I am meeting people who really impress me and in a way,causes me to want to be better.
I love the environment that I am in.
I am definitely blessed.
Through all the bitterness,this was definitely sweet.
I can't believe that I do sort of have it all, good boss,good colleagues,interesting job,great friends working there too.
I just couldn't ask for more.
Satisfied.Contented.
Not to say that it has been perfect so far.
Hiccups along the way,bounce back and learn.
My ex-bosses bugging me for info on how to use the software and me chasing them for previous ownings..
It has been a struggle because it hasn't been a good clean break away from my previous job due to the ownings.
And honestly,it's harder to chase because I'm no longer in the company.
I guess I hope it will all come to a close by end October.
I somehow am amazed at the experience of it all.
I've reached a point where I can laugh at it.
And that's really saying something.
I'm looking forward to christmas.
Happy occasions are just something that I really look forward to.
And boy do I need a trip.
Soon soon.
That day will come.
September 05 Burnout. 2nd wk of work.
I'm still somewhat adapting.
Getting into the dynamics of things.
Now I wished I had taken a longer break before I started my new job,but alas.,it was not meant to be.
Sometimes I wish I had a better grip on things.
Some days I'm so tired that I collapse on my bed and the next day of routine begins again.
I'm so restless,literally burnt out with everything else,that I'm desperately screaming for adventure and a trip.
Or to take up classes or ANYTHING.
I am totally driving myself miserable with my social life.
I'm missing so many gatherings because I have something on on friday nights.
Hai.I hope I don't collapse into exhaustion anytime soon.
But I have a feeling I will.
I got my one question answered.
I got my aug pay.
It's coming mid september and soon,october.
Time for more answers or else...things will get a whole lot more interesting.
 Caught 'The Proposal' with Ashley,Sarah and Polly the other day.
Fantastic...I SO LOVE Sandra Bullock!
And Ryan Reynolds?Totally...ever since '2 guys,a girl and a pizza place'.
Sigh.He's freaking tall!
Betty White is classic as usual.
And honestly,I wondered how Sandra managed to walk in gravel and climb on and off the ladder in those really really high heels.
Amazing sense of balance I must say.
But on a more personal note,I must say that I was struck by one scene at the end of the movie.
Where she said that she was so comfortable being single that she's afraid of changing that.
And somehow,I can totally relate to that.
Sometimes I'm so comfortable being where I am that I like where I am and don't feel the need to change it..or I don't think I would need a guy in my life now.
And somehow,that rather saddens me.
But I realise it's really quite true that I'm not alone in this.
Most of my girlfriends feel the same way.
So will I be ready to take the leap? August 30 The Road I'm Embarking on. My first week.
Gone in the blink of an eye.
It has been a good week of sorts.
Trying to learn my way around.
Although draining and still trying to adapt to the new schedule,I think I'm surviving somehow.
But I guess I have gotta manage my time better now with so many activities on my hand.
But honestly,I need a good chill out break and something to look forward to.
Hopefully,once everything settles down.
As for my old job situation,I'm keeping my fingers crossed and hoping that I'll get some answers.
Nearing the end of August.
It's time I get one question answered. August 23 New Beginnings,new start. Tommorrow marks a new day.
I'm kinda looking forward to it.
But at the same time,somewhat nervous.
Yet definitely happy that I'm moving on with life.
Hopefully,my blog entry will be positive tommorrow.(crosses fingers) August 20 What a week.Okat.
So it's nearing the end of my 'one week of pure unadulterated freedom'.
And somehow,I still feel it has been somewhat marred and short-lived.
I've been hounded,bugged and irritated till the point where I wish I could just turn off my phone and chuck it into the corner of my room.
But I do feel relieved though.
Glad that I got a chance to give someone a piece of my mind,especially after so many months of built-up and pent-up frustration and anger.
I just felt like a dam,allowing hordes and waves of water to just gush out.
And now,I somewhat feel at peace and happy with myself now that I've said my piece.
I feel somewhat cleanse,and glad that it's more than over.
FINALLY.
But I guess,the entire episode will probably reach its climax and finale come October.
So stay tuned ya?
Other than the irritation,I had a pretty eventful week.
Caught the movie 'Up!' really early in the day at Cathay with my Godsis.
Kinda weird,cos I'm so used to seeing movies at night.
Was a nice refreshing change...and the entire theatre felt like mine to behold.
Anyways,back to the main point.(I digress...)
   I really encourage everyone to catch 'Up'.
Honestly,I've never cried before when it comes to animated films.
But this movie was simply graceful and enchantingly beautiful.
It is just so cute and adorable,showing truly that although we may be generations apart,there will always be common ground.
I came across a touching story about a girl who had cancer and wanted to see the movie 'Up' before she died.
There's the link.
I went for my scholarship interview today.
And honestly,I felt really dazed after it.
They shot me with questions and before I could even ask them questions,they showed me the door and said thank you.
I was rather surprised.
But anyway,I'm proud of myself for trying,and it wouldn't matter if I didn't get it.
I have no regrets.
But truly,what a week it has been.
It's almost ending,which makes me rather sad.
But I'm kinda looking forward to work.
Time to stimulate my brain juices.
Cross my fingers and hope that they won't be overstimulated.heh. August 16 One week of pure unadulterated freedom! I can't believe I'm saying this,but I have one week of pure unadulterated freedom!!!
No work.No studies.No nothing.
And oddly enough,I can even be at a loss as to what I should do.
It's kinda sad that most of my friends aren't free to accompany me.
Bleah.
I have so many things I want to do though.
1) Go for 2 really good swims and get a tan
2) Go to the beach if possible
3) Perhaps hang out at a library somewhere and bury myself in books
4) Walk aimlessly along town and just watch the world go by
5) Get a grip on the disaster-stricken bedroom of mine
6) Do housework(as requested by my mom,sigh)
7) Teach tuition,give up some assignments due to new job
8) Go for scholarship interview(see where it leads)
9) Catch up with some friends
Basically to catch my breath and to be refreshed to begin my new job.
 August 15 Opportunity doesn't knock twice. Life just never fails to amaze and surprise me.
Just when I thought life would finally sort of stablize after all the headaches which I've been plagued with since the beginning of the year,something else comes up.
I finally found a job after which my old job denied me 4 mths of my salary.
I was estatic to finally settle down into a great job with wonderful benefits and increments.
The stability of it all was comforting.
But on the same day,I went from incredibly happy to incredibly confused.
I signed my letter of employment in the morning,and in the evening,I recevied a phone call that made my head spin.
I signed up for a masters scholarship,given my experience and background.
And I received a call for an interview for that scholarship.
I was definitely honoured and happy to received the call because I didn't believe that I was good enough.
But my head was spinning as well.
It took time for me to collect my thoughts.
And after much consideration,I am not going to let the opportunity slip away.
I consulted my NTU prof and he said go for it.
Honestly,I will have alot of thinking to do if I'm definitely offered the scholarship.
I guess I would have to ask myself,am I ready to take the plunge and will I have enough strengh and confidence to go with it?
I have no idea what will happen.
I'm just praying hard for discernment.
 August 11 National Pride Like every other Singaporean,I love to complain.
I've come to realise this lovely language we all share called 'Singlish' where whenever I am overseas,I hear people speak it and instantly know that they are Singaporeans too.
I remember once,when I went on a trip to Bangkok with a few NTU friends.
I recall fondly when the Thai shopkeeper thought that we were from China,but this European man with his Japanese wife jumped in and said,"Nooooooooooo...They're from Singapore!"
And we turned around,pleased that we were identified so easily.
We then asked the European man how he knew this,and he said it was from the way we talked.And he went on to say what a lovely place Singapore was,all its food and people.
It was indeed a proud moment where I swelled up with pride and I have to admit that I am not very patriotic.
But I'm thankful for that experience.
 I love our beautiful architecture.
The modernity of it all.
 The colourful HDB blocks which are a sight to behold.
 Our beautiful addition of the Singapore Flyer.Love this pic.
 I remember another instance when I was in Chicago for a conference.
The 2 ladies who were helping us to hang our winter coats were asking where we were from.
And they were like,"Singapore's lovely,we went there for a holiday!I adore the place!"
I just felt very warm inside.
 And of course,our national obsession.
FOOD!!!
I remember going to Australia for World Youth Day...and we ran into other Singaporean Catholics during the walk under the Sydney Harbor Bridge.
And it was so funny that we said,"Char Kway Teow and Hokkien Mee!" instead of the usual "Cheese!"
And to talk to them and how they fondly remember the local food was just an awesome experience.
I can't imagine life without my Hokkien Mee,Char Kway Teow,Fishball Mee Pok Dry Noodle with loads of chili,Laksa and all the other local delights.
I have to say,this yr's National Day Parade was one of the better ones I've seen in the past few years.
Way more hip and sentimental,especially with the exerpts of the speeches from the political fathers of Singapore.
And I totally adore this NDP 2009 song.
I look forward to Singaopre's 50th Birthday.I hope it will be grand! August 07 Sunshine after the rain. 7 months since I've finally had a genuine,joy-filled smile on my face.
And after all the bitternss,it sure does taste sweet.
Finally got a job!
Although I'm relieved to have a job,I can't help but worry and wonder if I'm good and up to the task.
But whatever comes my way,I'll take it as it comes.
It has been a sweet sweet week.And it can only get sweeter with the last day approaching.
Long National Day Wkend!Enjoy!
 Love this song by Pixie Lott 'Boys and Girls'.
Take a listen!
August 03 When it rains,it pours. And they just keep coming.
Taking things as they come.
I hope I'll survive through this week.
But all the same,I'm delirously happy,so much so that it scares me!
The countdown is so fun!
5 more working days!Woohoo!
Wish me luck!
OOOH...I'm so glad tht I'm going to catch this movie with Deborah.We can totally drool till the theatre floor's wet.
'Public Enemies' starring Johnny Depp.*swoon*
Need I say more?hehehehehehhehe.
July 30 Movies galore.Damn.I'm watching a few movie trailers.
And honestly,I can't wait to catch them!
'The Proposal' starring Sandra Bullock,Ryan Reynolds and Betty White.
'The Ugly Truth' starring Gerard Butler and Katherine Heigl.
Sigh.I totally love Gerard Butler.Gorgeous voice,awesome charisma.*swoon*.hahha. Totally loved him in PS:I Love You,300 and of course,Phantom of the Opera. I so need a movie fix. July 28 Good music. Good music is hard to find.
I'm so glad for some new songs at the moment.
'Mama do (uh oh uh oh)' by Pixie Lott
'Good Girls Gone Bad' by Cobra Starship feat Leighton Meester
'Funhouse' by Pink.So totally love her attitude.
'Second Chance' by Shinedown
July 27 New Lease of life! I'm not sure why.
But I have this energy waiting to burst out.
I can't wait for a new start in life.
I feel some good vibes.
Let's hope for the best.
 Did some ironing the other night.
And I burned a hole right through my blouse.
As if I don't have enough clothes already.
Haha...Gives me a reason to go shopping.
I'm pretty stable with tuition.
Getting more and more assignments till I need a breather.
But it's good.
I enjoy teaching loads.
Stimulates my brain.
I seriously need to go shopping.
Suddenly shopping seems so exciting to me.
Having restrained myself over the past few months,I'm afraid I might go mad.
Hahaha...Bought a new satin-ish blouse the other day for $30 and I was already beaming from ear to ear.
Ah the simple joys of life.
 I am SERIOUSLY SO ENVIOUS of Andrea.(Hear that girl?)
Hahaha...going off to UK.Sigh.So lucky.
But I'm seriously thankful for the NDP preview ticket.
Been a wayyyyyyy long time since I last attended a NDP.
Was awesome.
First time NDP was so hip.
Here're some pics!
      July 22 New Beginnings. I decided to revamp my blog because I was tired of seeing the black and white.
It's time to add some colour and warmth.
I love the new layout and colour.
It also marks a new beginning for me.
Got some good news today.
I just hope all will go well.
Hard as it is to let go,only then can I move on and learn.
Through all the tough times,I learn abit more about myself.
Had a good talk with sarah yesterday.
And the talk reinforced my faith in myself and cast away all the doubts and questions I had before.
It's amazing how God sends people in your life at the appropiate time when you need them the most.
I look forward to the day I resign.
The break will do me some good.
Time to catch up on clearing my room.
Perhaps revising my french.
Time to have abit of time for myself. July 21 Keep the common ground.I came across this song while watching FBeye:Sue Thomas. One of my favourite tv series when I was younger. And just hearing this song,somehow heals,soothes and calms me. Beautiful song. Enjoy. Here is where the road divides Pray for me and Ill pray for you Pray that we will keep the common ground Wont you pray for me and Ill pray for you And one day love will bring us back around again July 20 Fix me. It has been a hell of a time for me the past few weeks.
I finally submitted my resignation letter on 14th July 2009.Because I signed on to the new company in order to get my June paycheque,I have to serve my one month's notice.
Hence my last day of employment is on 14th August.
I am somewhat relieved,that this ordeal is finally coming to the end.
 I've had alot of anger stored up in me that I feel like I'm about to explode.
It's been an accumulation of everything I guess.
Had really bad chest pains,really fast heart beat rates,tossing and turning in bed at night,thoughts running through my mind endlessly.
I think if I were to go for a checkup now,I'll definitely have high blood pressure and hypertension.
 My boss had the cheek and audacity to call me and ask me to stay.
I bet I can hear you laughing right now.
I definitely was.
To hear him beg and grovel was such a thrill and joy.
After 7 months of hearing him talk big and saying stuff like,"I can be a bastard and not pay you your pay.",I was high on the moon to hear his panicky voice.
Basically to cut a long story short,he gave me till the end of the month to reconsider.
Right.Like I would.
 Although this nightmare finally is finishing,I can't help but wonder and worry.
How will I find another job.
It is a nagging worry at the back of my mind.
And seriously,I need a much needed break.
I just went to see a chinese medical physician lately because of certain health problems.
And before he could even feel my pulse,he took a look at me and could tell that I was very angry inside and had alot of thoughts running through my miind.
Mind you,I was smiling and totally relaxed inside the room.
I was rather stunned at his diagnosis.
He pointed to my throat and said that my neck area was rather enlarged.
Said that I needed to relax and not be so angry and think too much.
Usually I'm not into Traditional Chinese Medicine,but I guess it can be rather good.
I'm still feeling rather frustrated.
But I'm giving myself a break tommorrow.
A much needed one. July 05 No reverse button on Life. There is no reverse button on Life.
But sometimes you can't help but wonder if you could press that button.
I would have perhaps done a whole lot of things differently.
Education-life wise: Perhaps choosing a different JC,different combination of subjects,different uni course.
Career wise: Not jumping into the first job that I actually was offered.Perhaps then,I would have never been in the situation I am in now.
Love-life wise: Perhaps,if I didn't build that wall around myself to keep people out,and to perhaps open myself up,things might have been a whole lot different.
Health wise: Maybe I wouldn't have gone through that jaw operation which gave me one rollercoaster ride of emotional craziness.
But true enough,life doesn't have that side reverse button.
There are no erasers.
We have to go through all the experiences which may be wanted or unwanted just to get to where we are today.
I'm glad to say that some things are looking up.
Finally got my first tuition pay.$120.Just that amount was enough to make me smile an entire day.Goodness.
And I got a call from CDAC on another tuition assignment.So woohoo!Some income at least.
I'm glad.Because finally,I am able to be financially independent and not dig into my savings.
Now,to settle my job situation.
I'm just hope things will get better. June 15 Bottle it up. This picture just spoke to me.
I feel like the bottle.Admist the shades of grey in life.
I'm untapped.
Stuck.
And it's in the shade of my favourite colour.Purple.
And ironically titled,'Save Me'.
It's mid june.
Kinda hard to imagine that I've been in my situation for about half a year now.
It's a good wake up call.
I need one desperately because I feel my life is utterly stagnant.
But although I'm still figuring out things.It has put me in a rather reflective mood.
I don't know why.But I'm hooked on 2 songs at the moment.
'Bottle it up' by Sara Bareilles and 'Ocean sized love' by Sixpence None the Richer.
Utterly beautiful.Enjoy.
June 05 Truth.I guess this entry would be the most revealing one of all.
I'm fortunate to have my family and friends.
But I had a near breaking point lately.
It reached a point where I felt like I didn't exist.
Waking up in the morning everyday to go to work is hell.
I keep wondering if I'm waking up to a bad dream or whether this is a life that is even mine.
Especially on mondays.
I have it really bad on sunday evenings where I just really want to scream.
I have breakfast,and drag my feet before I leave my house at 8a.m.
And I used to leave my house at 7.15am before when I got my salary.
I would sit in the bus for a 1 and a half hour journey,plug in my mp3 and stare out at all the people who're rushing to work.
I feel as if they're leading a life while I'm just the observer whose nose is pressed to the exhibition glass.
And when I get off at my bus stop,I take my time to walk to the breast clinic when I used to walk briskly.
I stride in at 9.20a.m,unbashed in front of the hospital staff.
I ignore the looks and whispers of why I come in so late.
Attitude problem,not punctual,can't be bothered phrases fly by and weirdly enough,I used to come in at 8.30a.m.
It feels like a fascade.A drama theatrical act which I have to put on in front of the hospital staff as they are unaware of the financial situation.
I set up the equipment,calibrate the machine,and quietly and paisehly sneak into the principal radiographer's office to get the logbook and rush back to my consultation room to close the door.
My colleague strolls in late at 9.40a.m-ish so as to avoid paying ERP.
And my day begins by checking my email,watching youtube,editing resumes and searching for jobs online.
When a patient comes in,I feel so irritated because I'm doing the procedure and am not getting paid.
But I know it's not my patient's fault and I continue to treat them right.
My colleague and I would grunt and discuss about the situation everyday.
Telling each other about the interviews and jobs applied.
One of my colleagues found a job and has resigned.
I'm so glad for her.
But as to whether she can claim her jan,feb,mar and may pay is another thing.
And when the day is over,we're all 'happy' to knock off.
My social life has changed quite a bit ever since I had to cut down.
I stopped going for alot of gatherings.
I didn't feel like going for netball.
I stopped going into town.
I haven't shopped much since January.
I've been walking home instead of taking the feeder bus just to save a few cents a day.
Eating lunch,I'll always stick to yong tau foo and ban mian because it's the cheapest hospital food.
Or I'll just get myself a waffle to eat.And that only costs $1.50.
My father has been paying my phone bills.
And I've more or less cut down my expenditure to strictly food or transport and nothing else.
I have this unhealthy anger bottled up inside of me.
I am angry because I'm supposed to support my parents but I can't.And I feel as if I've failed as a daughter sometimes.
I am angry because I am trapped in the situation and as much as I try to make sense of the whole financial situation of the whole mess,I have to prepare myself to say bye bye to the pay which my company owes me because of bankruptcy and according to MOM,there's nothing much they can do because I'm not covered under the Employment act because my salary is above $2000.
I am angry but mostly frustrated because the economic recession is killing my chances of finding a job.
I am angry and irritated with my family sometimes for not understanding.My dad has asked me if I would want to join his company (oil and gas) as a mechanical engineer.They don't see things the way I see things.
1) I will be known as so and so's daughter
2) I will not be able to earn my credit and reputation
3) My dad has worked there for 35 years,I don't want to screw that up.Plus working with my dad.
4) It is not my field of interest and just using this as a temporary job means and job hopping later just doesn't reflect well on me
5) I'm a fiercely independent person and I want to make my own mark.I want to carve out a career profile that builds up on a path that I want.And not settle for something less.
But unfortunately,they see it as me being proud and stupid.I just give up sometimes.
I am angry sometimes because I appreciate my friends telling me to be positive and hanging in there.But after awhile,I just feel like screaming and wishing them to stop.Because it doesn't help the situation,and truth is,they cannot truly understand the shoes I am in.But I'm glad for the jokes and the laughter and the change of subject.
I am angry sometimes because some of my friends just get on my case and ask me to quit,and tell me that I'm stupid for hanging on.And when I try to explain that quitting a job without securing another job is unwise,and that I have to stay because I need a year of employment duration to look good on my resume and that I'm staying so that I can have that HOPE of getting my paycheque (which I stayed and got my Apr's pay),it just feels like I'm talking to the wall.
I go home almost every night.Facing my home and my family.
Cooping myself up in the house so that I won't spend money unneccessarily.
I can't help but feel so alone in my misery.
And I burst into tears almost every other night.
I go to sleep early,ending the day quickly.
And hoping that I can wake up from this nightmare.
But the routine starts again.
Weekends give me pleasure.
Because I busy myself with church and other activities.
It helps me distract my mind from the situation.
Gives me a sense of purpose and peace.
I have been stuck in this situation for almost half a year.
I have no idea how I got thru it all.
I do hope and pray that my misery will end soon.
I'm even finding it hard to smile.
And I know my mood has been affecting almost everyone.
Especially my family members.
And I hate it.
I can't believe that I've let myself be this way.
But it's so hard to snap out of it.
It's easy to be told,"Stop being so emo lah."
But truth is,when u're down there,u're just down.
It's up to the person entirely to come out of it in their own time.
All I need is support,and a listening ear,instead of people telling me to snap out of it.
Hear me grunt,empathise with me.
Because that's all I ask.
And it's that simple. June 01 Days gone by. It finally dawned on me that I'm 24.
Feels somewhat unreal.
I know this birthday has been one of the most difficult ones that I've had in life.
But at the same time,it's been the most revealing and reflective of them all.
I have entirely no idea what the future holds.
Life feels somewhat at a standstill for now.
But perhaps it's what I need before I can embark on the next phrase of life.
So here's hoping things will get somewhat better.
 May 26 Music heals your soul I've been so into music lately.
With all the different emotions I've been feeling lately,I guess music has been much of a solace to me.
Especially sort of emo songs.Haha.
I just have to recommend 'Cry' and 'Already gone' by Kelly Clarkson and 'My Guardian Angel' by Redsuit Jump Apparatus.
Life has been pretty rough for me the past few months.
I've learnt so much about myself and the people around me.
For everything there is a season,I have to learn to accept the circumstances and smile nonetheless.
Though at times I do break down and cry about it,I have to realise that I'm indeed blessed in spite of everything that has happened.
I learned to keep my anger in check,to restrain the thoughs of anger inside and let it out in a good way.
Life is just a really trying journey sometimes.
And I hope that one day,I'll look back at the situation I'm in and laugh about it...ok...maybe not laugh about it,but to be thankful for the experience no matter how bad it was. |
|
|||
|
|
